My heart is heavy today as yesterday I lost my furry friend. Azrael was the first dog Chantale and I got. We wanted a dog for years, but the house we were rented at the time did not have a fence and I would have to take it down when we moved, so we waited. So, when we moved back out east, we made sure our new home has a fence so we could finally get a puppy.
We first saw Azrael in a pet shop back on July 15, 2010. We were finally settled in our home and I, initially, was hoping for a Jack Russel, and Chantale preferred a Pug. But when we saw a cockapoo puppy, we were in love. He had bandit marking that looked like a mask. He was black and tan, with a docked tail and cocker spaniel ears. When I held him, I knew we was coming home with us that day. We named him Azrael, because I wanted a unique name and Azrael was the name of the Angel of Death.
When we brought him home, our cat at the time, Meeloo was not impressed. She would bat at him (lucky for Azrael, she has no claws) and he, thinking she was playing, would do it back. Eventually he got too big for her to keep it up. While they were never really close, there were times that they were laying with us and even sat close to each other. When she passed, Azrael would look for her at first.
Azrael was definitely a spoiled dog. We gave him treats, let him on the couch, and, eventually, we would sleep on our bed. When I was deployed (13 months total of his first five years,) Chantale would snuggle with him at night. When I would come back, I would have to force him to give up my spot. He eventually went back to his cage for the night, but after our last move, he wouldn’t sleep in his cage alone. He had to be with his people.
Azrael kept Chantale company while I was away and made sure we kept to a schedule. Mornings started no later than 0630, even on weekends. He would go for his morning puddles and expected food to be in his dish. He was always happy to help us with our breakfast, enjoying crusts from toast and the occasion piece of bacon. He would nap a bit in the morning them look for mail or parcels. For a while the mail carrier in Kingston would leave treats for Azrael, and he started to expect it. When the mail carriers changed, it stopped. He would bark at delivery people as well, but he didn’t scare anybody, and they often laughed at his antics. He also would know when we ordered food and would bark as soon as we placed the order and only stop once we had the food.
Later in the day, around 1530, he would start to look for me to come home. Chantale said he would look out the window and get excited when I was about to arrive, but I wasn’t visible yet. Having him greet me at the door was always welcome. I would it down and he’d join me on the couch for snuggles. No matter how bad the day was, he made me feel happy.
When we moved again in 2020, he kept us busy. We were having trouble with the closing of our house and were stuck in a hotel for two weeks. While I dealt with the lawyers and work, he kept Chantale company and took her mind off things. He would snuggle with me at night and sleep in-between us. When we finally got into our house, he was the first one in, sniffing out his new home. He got used to the home fairly quickly and made it his own.
Unfortunately, times catches up with everyone, especially dogs. He started having health issues in 2020 (rashes, ear infections) and the pandemic did not help getting him treated. He started to slow down. We didn’t walk him much, but he had not trouble when we did. Soon, even brief 5 Km walks tired him out for the day. He would sleep longer but was always up for food, especially ours. Jumping up on the bed became too much for him. Once his legs slipped from under him when he jumped off the bed (hardwood floor) and he was limping for a while. He got better, but we put a mat at the foot of our bet for him so he wouldn’t slip again.
By 2023, we had to lift him up on the bed. He would paw at the bed if we didn’t and sometimes voiced his displeasure. But he still could jump on the couch or lower beds, like he did when we would visit his “Nanny,” Chantale’s mother. Even though he hated car rides, he loved seeing her and would greet her with his tail wagging. But in September, we had our first scare. He would leak pee, would not eat and was breathing like it hurt when he inhaled. We took him to the get, and they said it was pancreatitis. He got a shot, got some medicine and he got better, thought, he had to wear doggy diapers at night. After Christmas, he started to shake for no apparent reason. He seemed to be better the next day, but his leaking became worse, and he had to wear the diapers all the time.
In February, he constantly had diarrhea. He was pooping almost every hour. We went back to the vet and discovered he lost almost ten pounds. At his heaviest, he was thirty, now he was 20. Again, more medicine, but, though hit helped a bit, we never went away. But early March, he was leaking feces out of his butt and was becoming a picky eater. The doctors had us feed in chicken and rice, but when we tried to go back to dry dog food, he would not eat it. He liked wet dog food for a bit, but even that didn’t last. We started putting female dog diapers on him with the male wraps to keep our furniture clean. The got the poo under control, but he was still leaking pee.
By April, Azrael was moving slower and had a noticeable curve in his spine. He also was down to 16 pounds and had barely any fat on him. Even the lumps he had on his body (non-cancerous fatty lumps) were gone. The vet had him on appetite stimulants, but again, he was so picky, we would make a portion of our supper for him to eat. We took him to an animal chiropractor, which did help with his movements and spine. The diarrhea was coming and going but was not constant. The only issue was his dripping and his weight, but we got him eating, even if it was human food. Then, May came.
By May 2nd, he was constantly dripping and would soak through his diapers after three hours. I had bought disposable male diapers that were more absorbent and that kept the mess contained. But that morning, he had also pooed in his diaper. He was slow, couldn’t go up the stairs on his own and seemed confused. I was hoping he was just tired, and it would pass. That morning, he took ins morning vitamin okay, but was uneasy on his feet. I noticed it when he got up to beg for my food. He fell back down but got up again. When I left, he was on his mat. I kissed him on the head and told him I loved him, like i had every day before I left. He looked at me with his brown like he didn’t want me to go. It was the last time he would look at me like that.
At work, I got a text from Chantale that Azrael was having trouble standing. She tried to take him out, but he couldn’t stay upright. She had him on the couch with her and I told her to keep an eye on him. By 1130 I got a frantic text telling me to come home now. He couldn’t move and couldn’t even lift his head. I left work, called the vet, but was told the only timing was at 1530, over three hours away. By the time I got home, Azreal has at least one seizure and was not doing well.
I picked him up and held him. He was limp, his heart was raising but he was breathing. But there was no life in his eyes. I am not sure if he saw me or recognized me. He just blanky stared ahead. In my arms he had another seizure and let out the most heartbreaking howl I have even heard. He then peed so much it soaked though is diaper and onto me. I told him I was here but again, I was not sure if he knew. I changed his diapers, then handed him to Chantale and changed my clothes. When I got back, we had another seizure. I took him and held him. He convulsed and his jaws chattered. Then he stopped. I didn’t feel his heartbeat. He wasn’t breathing. His suffering was over, but I lost my boy. He was gone. Just sixteen days shy of his 14th birthday.
I called the vet and arranged for his cremation. We took him in, picked an urn, got a paw print done and said one final goodbye to our boy. The rest of the day was filled with tears, hugs and silent reflection. I am still not over him and that is okay. Arael was part of our “family.” We shared so much with him, and he was a part of our lives. It will be difficult to move on, but we will get there. There is a dog-sized hole in our ours and no other dog will fill it completely.
Dogs teach us valuable lessons. They teach you compassion, empathy, patience and unconditional love. The also teach that nothing his forever and to love like there is no tomorrow. Azrael taught me that and I will keep him in my heart. I do not know if there is anything after this life, but the story of the Rainbow Bridge is a lovely comfort. If there is such a place, I hope that you and Meeloo meet me there, Azrael.
I love you. I miss you. You were the bestest boy.
Azrael Ferguson 2010-2024.
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